zichen | IC CONTACT

Xue Yang warms hearing that. "They didn't attack me," he murmurs, smiling as he's lifted into Song Lan's arms, "I let them fuck me for money or food..." He shrugs as if it's no big deal.

"They took advantage of a starving boy. They attacked you." Zichen explains calmly, hugging Xue Yang tighter as he fills the tub with hot water. All he needs to do is turn on the faucet.

Xue Yang tries to swallow down a lump that's suddenly formed in his throat.

"It's not... that's just what happens," he murmurs, fidgeting a little. He doesn't like to think of himself as a victim, someone to be pitied. "I did what I had to to survive." A mantra he's repeated to himself for years.

Zichen lowers Xue Yang into the hot water before he climbs in after him. He then tugs the other man into a kiss, keeping it gentle.

"A-Yang, it's wrong for that to happen. It's wrong for anyone to demand that of you in exchange for anything." he strokes over his lover's hair, "I know you did and I admire your strength. But don't let monsters get away with atrocities because it's somehow normal."

Xue Yang shudders and curls up in Song Lan's arms, nuzzling into him. "There weren't a lot of street kids who didn't do that," he murmurs as he absentmindedly trails a finger down Song Lan's chest. "No one cared if it's wrong or not."

"I hate that you endured that. I hate that they endured that." Zichen wraps him in his arms, glancing down shyly at the lines on his chest, "It's wrong and so damaging. Children should be protected and loved. They should have enough to eat."

Xue Yang traces those lines with gentle, loving touches. Part of him feels guilty looking at them while another feels a bit of a possessive enjoyment in seeing the marks he'd left on his lover.

"Yeah, but that's not how the world works," he murmurs with a sigh, "I don't even remember my parents. I don't know if they died or... or if they didn't want me."

He swallows with difficulty, watching those fingers brush against his skin. Xue Yang makes him feel wanted. Almost...cherished. He doesn't consider himself as nothing more than a corpse when they are together. The man who revoked his humanity is slowly returning it.

"Yet." he encourages, sluicing water over Xue Yang's neck and shoulders, "I can't imagine them purposefully abandoning you." he smiles softly, sadly, "And if they did, shame on them. They must answer for their cruelty. You, on the other hand, can find your happiness."

"I don't know. Someone... someone taught me how to write my name. I remember writing the characters into mud with a stick. It's one of my earliest memories..." Xue Yang shivers a bit and puts his head down against Song Lan's shoulder, snuggling further into him.

He slips his arm around Song Lan's middle. "Mm... I think I'm starting to," he murmurs, blushing a little.

"A-Yang..." Zichen's voice betrays his pain, the way his heart aches at the mere idea of a little boy only having one memory of his family. He curls around his lover and kisses his shoulder; he can't give Xue Yang the love he should have had back then, but he can give him love now.

"Are you?" he hears the hope in his tone and smiles faintly, "I want to make you happy. Maybe that's insane to some, but my heart is lighter when you smile."

It's easier to talk about when he's being held in strong, warm arms. He sinks into that embrace and sighs softly. "I'm not even sure I want to remember more," he murmurs. If he'd been abandoned, that would just hurt more. If his parents had died... that'd hurt knowing too. That his life could've been different if not for that.

"I think so. I feel better... being around you," he admits in a low voice. He smiles a little and glances up at Song Lan so that he can see it.

"If you do, I'm here." Zichen promises and rubs his cheek against Xue Yang's soft hair, "You don't have to face those memories alone." he has promised to help the other man through complicated situations and that includes things that have passed.

The smile he is given warms him all the way through. Returning the expression, Zichen nuzzles their noses together and basks in this moment.

"A-Yang, this is where I want to be."

Xue Yang shivers a little, but he easily relaxes in Song Lan's arms. "Okay," he murmurs.

"I want to be here too, with you." He's probably never wanted anything more. He will hold onto this happiness for as long as it lasts.

Zichen kisses Xue Yang's ear, feeling grateful and protective of him. The soft answer brings a smile to his lips.

"You come back to me every night." and that hasn't gone unnoticed or unappreciated, "I know you too well to think you would stay if you didn't want to."

The cabin they share is starting to feel like home. Xue Yang can hardly deny that. It's nice to have a place to return to where he'll be greeted by two sweet cats and a lover who will kiss him and ask what he's been up.

"Mm. I wouldn't," he confirms as he presses a soft kiss to Song Lan's shoulder. "I'm not used to... to having a home, I guess."

The cats are stubborn about running to the door every time they come home, no matter how long it has been. Zichen has sat and watched them hurry to Xue Yang and it does his heart good. His A-Yang has made great progress and Zichen has hope for the future.

"My Master gave me one. Then he encouraged me to do the same for others." but it had never been easy for Zichen, "My...fear..." of touching, "made warmth difficult. But it doesn't stand in the way of us. You've rendered it a mere memory."

For them, at least. Zichen is still cautious with others.

The cats have helped a great deal more than Xue Yang could've ever expected. There's just something about two soft, sweet little creatures who are always happy to see him. They don't know about all the bad he's done, they're just happy as long as they have company, cuddles and food.

"I took one home from you..." Xue Yang murmurs, the guilt in his voice palpable, "The least I can do is give you a new one." He nuzzles into Song Lan, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "Yi City was the first place I felt at home in." But he had ruined that too.

"Have you always had that fear?" he asks, glancing up at his lover's face.

Innocent love can be healing. The cats offer Xue Yang their affection free of charge and judgement. They only associate him with good things and so, in a way, he has a clean slate. Zichen admires them for that reason and he tries, in his own way, to give Xue Yang the same impression.

They won't get anywhere if they are shackled by the past.

"Mm." he doesn't disagree, but he does hold Xue Yang tighter, "I don't want you to give me a home out of guilt." though the fact that the guilt exists is progress, "Xingchen has a gift; he can make almost anywhere feel like home."

The shift in conversation has him biting the inside of his cheek.

"Since I can remember. Master thought something triggered it when I was very young."

A rundown coffin home... who would've thought it could become a place of so much warmth and comfort and peace? Some part of him still blames Song Lan for ruining it, but at least he realizes that it's irrational. He's just not used to feeling guilt over his own actions.

"When we get out of here, where do you want to live?" he asks instead of voicing any of his other thoughts.

He grows a little cold inside at that response. He doesn't want to consider what could have happened to a small child to trigger a life-long fear of touch.

"I'm glad you're not afraid with me," he murmurs softly as he holds Song Lan tighter.

It's about who inhabit a home. Zichen could have lived under the stars and been at home with Xiao Xingchen. But that wasn't meant to be; not for either of them.

"Somewhere new." he answers quietly, "We can go as far from Yi City as you like and find a place or build a place."

Wandering doesn't seem like the best idea with Xue Yang's leg in poor shape. But Zichen is confident he can help him get somewhere nicer and free of memories.

"I'm not. I'm not sure I ever was. You either made me too angry to feel fear or..." too aroused.

Xue Yang wouldn't mind wandering with Song Lan! His leg is long-since healed, only rarely aching a little when it's cold. Like his left hand. But settling down somewhere sounds nice too... He doesn't want to return to Yi City.

"Okay. We'll find somewhere nice," he murmurs. It's a relief to know he won't be alone.

Xue Yang grins a little. "Or what? Did I turn you on too much?" He can't help but to tease.

He doesn't want to push it. It's remarkable that Xue Yang can walk at all, frankly. One of Zichen's hands lowers to caress said leg, brushing their noses together affectionately. No, he never wants to see Yi City again.

"Somewhere free of death." he wants fresh air and a nice view.

The grin has him dropping his gaze shyly.

"You know how to work me up." and he clearly isn't teasing.

"So not another funeral home then?" He's trying to be a little lighthearted about the whole thing, to make it a little easier to talk about.

"Mm... you do the same to me," he murmurs as he playfully nibbles at Song Lan's shoulder.

"No." Zichen answers firmly, pressing a kiss to Xue Yang's lips, "I want life around us. Trees. Plants. Flowers. Animals."

He glances up at the reassurance and smirks.

"I suppose I would call that...passion?" he chuckles at the nibbling and buries a hand in Xue Yang's soft hair.

"Mm, that sounds nice. There's not much of it on the Barge." Well, except for animals, he supposes.

He mirrors that smirk and leans up to nibble at those lips instead. "Ah, Song-daozhang feels passion for me~."

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