Closing his eyes, Zichen holds Xue Yang tighter. He...told Xingchen. Part of him wants to know, desperately, if Xingchen was...okay. But how could he be? He had made it clear that the ties that once bound them had expired.
"...Yes," Xue Yang admits, "Not at first, but... I got mad." He shudders and makes a face. "I t-told you, it's what I fucking do." He curls up a little closer against Song Lan, clinging to him, suddenly worried that Song Lan is going to leave. Because he is who he is and it doesn't feel like he can change.
"Mm." Zichen opens his eyes in time to see that face, sighing quietly, "You wanted him to hurt like you hurt." he cups one of Xue Yang's cheeks, "But he does hurt. That's why he recoils from you...from me."
This is the first time he has admitted that Xingchen has rejected him.
Xue Yang shudders again and sinks down fully against Song Lan's body, becoming a little heavier on him. "At least he doesn't hate you. He told me... told me to leave you alone." Xue Yang lets out a small giggle at that, though it's mixed up with a ragged sob.
"My love is a burden to him." Zichen murmurs, tucking Xue Yang's head against his shoulder, "He doesn't know...what has grown between us. How can he know? For him, speaking to us, brings the past back into the light. He doesn't want to overcome; he wants to escape."
That very option had been open to him too. But now... No. He can't run. He won't.
Xue Yang almost feels small like this, being held and comforted by Song Lan, and that relaxes him. He's definitely not unpacking that feeling right now though. Or ever.
"Must... must be the right choice then, since it's allowed him to graduate," he murmurs with just a hint of bitterness in his voice.
"He has only learned to move on." Zichen rocks them gently, offering what stability he has managed to acquire for himself, "Perhaps that is best for him. But we're different."
Yes. We. He makes sure Xue Yang is looking at him before continuing:
"You came here after you spoke to him, didn't you."
"I'm not sure how to either." Zichen tucks Xue Yang's hair behind his ear and then entwines their fingers, "Thank you for trusting me. You can always come here or find me."
Xue Yang feels his cheeks heat up a little, which is just unfair, but... he does feel better.
Here's someone who actually wants him around, even though he doesn't really understand why, he's still comforted by it.
"Don't get all sappy on me now," he says, managing some playfulness. "I live here too now, right?" He gently headbutts Song Lan's cheek before letting his head drop back onto his shoulder.
Xue Yang pouts. "I don't make sad faces." Which is of course not true at all.
He slips his arms around Song Lan's middle and snuggles closer. After a moment's silence he asks, "What will you do when you leave this place? Are you going back home?"
"Yes you do." Zichen murmurs warmly, tracing over those pouting lips with his thumb. The snuggling settles the panic Xue Yang's tears had caused and he rests back against the pillows.
"I am." he rests his cheek against Xue Yang's forehead, "I will be alive again."
Zichen blinks and softens at the reminder, watching Xue Yang kiss his shoulder. This tenderness is sweet and he doesn't want to ever turn his back on it.
"I will be whole again. That was my request to the Admiral." he pauses, "If you choose to return, I will go back for you."
"Nonsense." Zichen tilts Xue Yang's head with his fingers under his chin, pressing a kiss to his lips, "I won't leave until you are prepared. I refuse."
"And you're not?" Zichen fires back, nipping at that tongue too, "Count your blessings and don't think about what you've lost. This is your home now and you're not alone."
Xue Yang gasps and playfully shoves at Song Lan's chest as he pretends to be offended. Though really, he's just delighted that Song Lan is firing back like that. "I'm not!"
He turns a bit more serious when Song Lan continues. "Mmm... some of the things here are more convenient. Like how water just comes out when you want it, and it's warm right away. But... I do miss some things from home."
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"Were you trying to hurt him?"
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This is the first time he has admitted that Xingchen has rejected him.
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That very option had been open to him too. But now... No. He can't run. He won't.
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"Must... must be the right choice then, since it's allowed him to graduate," he murmurs with just a hint of bitterness in his voice.
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Yes. We. He makes sure Xue Yang is looking at him before continuing:
"You came here after you spoke to him, didn't you."
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He almost shyly meets Song Lan's gaze and nods. "Where else would I go?"
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Here's someone who actually wants him around, even though he doesn't really understand why, he's still comforted by it.
"Don't get all sappy on me now," he says, managing some playfulness. "I live here too now, right?" He gently headbutts Song Lan's cheek before letting his head drop back onto his shoulder.
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"It's difficult for me not to when you make such sad faces."
He isn't really teasing when he says that, either. Something in him shifts, wanting to comfort and protect when Xue Yang is in tears.
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He slips his arms around Song Lan's middle and snuggles closer. After a moment's silence he asks, "What will you do when you leave this place? Are you going back home?"
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"I am." he rests his cheek against Xue Yang's forehead, "I will be alive again."
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"Mm... make sure to ask for your tongue too, in case this one only works here," he says, pressing his lips to his lover's shoulder.
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"I will be whole again. That was my request to the Admiral." he pauses, "If you choose to return, I will go back for you."
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"Well, I'm definitely not becoming a warden anyway," he says before leaning up to kiss him back.
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"I think that's for the best." he chuckles and nips at Xue Yang's lips, "Stay with Zack if you can. He cares for you."
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He turns a bit more serious when Song Lan continues. "Mmm... some of the things here are more convenient. Like how water just comes out when you want it, and it's warm right away. But... I do miss some things from home."
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"Mmhm." he does not sound convinced and his eyes sparkle playfully, "Tell me what you miss."
Maybe he can find a solution.
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Try to make the foods himself?
"Does it make your stomach hurt?"
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