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[zichen]

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:(((

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang nods mutely as he snuggles into Song Lan's arms. His head hurts and he suddenly feels exhausted. He just wants to stop hurting so much. Everything about Xiao Xingchen makes him hurt. He knows that it's his fault because he keeps imposing himself on him, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

;n;

[zichen]

Zichen rubs soothing circles over Xue Yang's back, wincing when he feels the nod. Ah.

"I think you should avoid him." and he knows that hurts too. But it's the only way to keep the wounds from reopening.

"He...has made his choice." his voice isn't steady - that choice hurts him too, "I was cruel to him, though I didn't mean to be. For his sake... I've been avoiding him too."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"I know," he manages to get out, voice hoarse and broken, "I... I told him about us. I didn't r-really mean to, he just made me so... angry. He didn't believe me." He buries his face back against Song Lan's shoulder. "He ne-never fucking believes me..."

[zichen]

Closing his eyes, Zichen holds Xue Yang tighter. He...told Xingchen. Part of him wants to know, desperately, if Xingchen was...okay. But how could he be? He had made it clear that the ties that once bound them had expired.

"Were you trying to hurt him?"

[bringingdowndisaster]

"...Yes," Xue Yang admits, "Not at first, but... I got mad." He shudders and makes a face. "I t-told you, it's what I fucking do." He curls up a little closer against Song Lan, clinging to him, suddenly worried that Song Lan is going to leave. Because he is who he is and it doesn't feel like he can change.

[zichen]

"Mm." Zichen opens his eyes in time to see that face, sighing quietly, "You wanted him to hurt like you hurt." he cups one of Xue Yang's cheeks, "But he does hurt. That's why he recoils from you...from me."

This is the first time he has admitted that Xingchen has rejected him.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang shudders again and sinks down fully against Song Lan's body, becoming a little heavier on him. "At least he doesn't hate you. He told me... told me to leave you alone." Xue Yang lets out a small giggle at that, though it's mixed up with a ragged sob.

[zichen]

"My love is a burden to him." Zichen murmurs, tucking Xue Yang's head against his shoulder, "He doesn't know...what has grown between us. How can he know? For him, speaking to us, brings the past back into the light. He doesn't want to overcome; he wants to escape."

That very option had been open to him too. But now... No. He can't run. He won't.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang almost feels small like this, being held and comforted by Song Lan, and that relaxes him. He's definitely not unpacking that feeling right now though. Or ever.

"Must... must be the right choice then, since it's allowed him to graduate," he murmurs with just a hint of bitterness in his voice.

[zichen]

"He has only learned to move on." Zichen rocks them gently, offering what stability he has managed to acquire for himself, "Perhaps that is best for him. But we're different."

Yes. We. He makes sure Xue Yang is looking at him before continuing:

"You came here after you spoke to him, didn't you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"I don't know how to do that," Xue Yang mutters. Moving on, dealing with difficult things without violence...

He almost shyly meets Song Lan's gaze and nods. "Where else would I go?"

[zichen]

"I'm not sure how to either." Zichen tucks Xue Yang's hair behind his ear and then entwines their fingers, "Thank you for trusting me. You can always come here or find me."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang feels his cheeks heat up a little, which is just unfair, but... he does feel better.

Here's someone who actually wants him around, even though he doesn't really understand why, he's still comforted by it.

"Don't get all sappy on me now," he says, managing some playfulness. "I live here too now, right?" He gently headbutts Song Lan's cheek before letting his head drop back onto his shoulder.

[zichen]

Zichen smiles softly and kisses the tip of Xue Yang's nose. The headbutt makes him chuckle and he rubs over Xue Yang's side.

"It's difficult for me not to when you make such sad faces."

He isn't really teasing when he says that, either. Something in him shifts, wanting to comfort and protect when Xue Yang is in tears.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang pouts. "I don't make sad faces." Which is of course not true at all.

He slips his arms around Song Lan's middle and snuggles closer. After a moment's silence he asks, "What will you do when you leave this place? Are you going back home?"

[zichen]

"Yes you do." Zichen murmurs warmly, tracing over those pouting lips with his thumb. The snuggling settles the panic Xue Yang's tears had caused and he rests back against the pillows.

"I am." he rests his cheek against Xue Yang's forehead, "I will be alive again."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang lets out a mock-offended huff and nips at Song Lan's finger.

"Mm... make sure to ask for your tongue too, in case this one only works here," he says, pressing his lips to his lover's shoulder.

[zichen]

Zichen blinks and softens at the reminder, watching Xue Yang kiss his shoulder. This tenderness is sweet and he doesn't want to ever turn his back on it.

"I will be whole again. That was my request to the Admiral." he pauses, "If you choose to return, I will go back for you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang scoffs a little. "I'll probably never get out of here," he mutters as he idly traces a finger along Song Lan's chest.

[zichen]

"Nonsense." Zichen tilts Xue Yang's head with his fingers under his chin, pressing a kiss to his lips, "I won't leave until you are prepared. I refuse."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang blushes again as warmth spreads inside him. Would Song Lan really do that for him?

"Well, I'm definitely not becoming a warden anyway," he says before leaning up to kiss him back.

[zichen]

Yes. Zichen knows he is needed; he won't abandon Xue Yang and forget the promises he has made him.

"I think that's for the best." he chuckles and nips at Xue Yang's lips, "Stay with Zack if you can. He cares for you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang laughs a little and nips right back. "He's annoying," he says, sticking his tongue out.

[zichen]

"And you're not?" Zichen fires back, nipping at that tongue too, "Count your blessings and don't think about what you've lost. This is your home now and you're not alone."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang gasps and playfully shoves at Song Lan's chest as he pretends to be offended. Though really, he's just delighted that Song Lan is firing back like that. "I'm not!"

He turns a bit more serious when Song Lan continues. "Mmm... some of the things here are more convenient. Like how water just comes out when you want it, and it's warm right away. But... I do miss some things from home."