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[zichen]

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;; zichen is worried.

[zichen]

The guilt is palpable - and visible. Zichen can't stay angry in the face of it and he grabs Xue Yang's arm, tugging him into the cabin.

"You know that isn't a good place for you." he closes the door so neither of their cats escapes, "I was angry at you or else I would have found you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"I... didn't want to see you the other night," he murmurs, feeling like something is coiling in the pit of his stomach and squeezing in his chest. Surely this is it. Surely, Song Lan has finally come to his senses and now he's going to tell him that this whole thing between them has been a mistake.

He'll probably be nice about it, but that won't make it hurt any less. All Xue Yang can do is steel himself for it as best he can.

[zichen]

"You were upset. We both were." Zichen motions to the table and goes about making them tea, "What you said..." he presses his lips together, unhappy just recalling the words, "That was harsh. I know you were defending yourself. Knowing the future at such a young age isn't easy."

For anyone.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang walks over to the table in a bit of a daze before slumping down on a chair. "...Just tell me you don't... want this anymore," he mutters, looking down at his slightly trembling hands. "I g-get it." And yet there are tears already burning in his eyes. Fuck, he's pathetic.

[zichen]

He freezes and frowns, his hand hovering over the teapot. Then he slowly turns and takes in Xue Yang...

Are those tears? For...what they have? The teapot is abandoned and Zichen moves to the younger man, kneeling down to get a good look at his face.

"Xue Yang." he rests a hand on a shoulder, "I have no intention of telling you that. I don't feel like ending anything with you." his stomach rolls and he feels colder, "Do you want to be rid of me?"

[bringingdowndisaster]

As much as he tries, he can't keep a couple of tears from escaping. He only manages to look up at Song Lan when he tells him he doesn't want to end things, his expression one of a hopeful kind of disbelief.

"Y-You don't?" he says softly, voice trembling. He can hardly believe it. Even after that?

[zichen]

"I don't." Zichen repeats and gently catches those tears, wiping them away with his thumbs, "I'm not an idiot. You were hurting and scared. You might have even been thinking that I wanted revenge." he snorts and shakes his head, "You've seen me angry and... I don't want to be like that ever again. That isn't who I am, really."

[bringingdowndisaster]

"I just... I thought that the reminder... That it'd make you come to your senses," Xue Yang murmurs, helpless to resist leaning in to Song Lan's touches. He's still so greedy for this man's attention, the way he touches him and looks at him like he's not a monster. He doesn't flinch away from him like Xiao Xingchen had.

[zichen]

"You think I've forgotten?" Zichen shakes his head and pulls Xue Yang into his arms, embracing him tightly, "I remember and I still choose this. I've been called...sick...and unhinged." he lets out a breath, "But they don't know what I've felt or what I've seen. They don't know you."

[bringingdowndisaster]

How can anyone want him like this? Knowing all that he's done and being the victim of several if those things? Xue Yang doesn't understand it at all, but it's difficult at this point to not believe Song Lan, who hasn't turned him away despite all the reasons in the world to do so.

He doesn't know what to say and so he just falls into Song Lan's arms and cries against his shoulder.

[zichen]

The first time Xue Yang had cried against him, mourning what could have been, Zichen had understood. Their grief is the same - and a testament to how deeply they loved (and continue to love) Xiao Xingchen. Who else can understand that? Who else can fathom what they have gone through and what they have become?

"I don't want you to go."

[bringingdowndisaster]

It's a little embarrassing to think about all the times he's cried in Song Lan's arms by now, but it definitely says something about how comfortable he does feel around him.

"I... I don't want to go either," he finally gets out between shaky sobs.

[zichen]

No one has to know. Zichen dries Xue Yang's face with his sleeve and brings their foreheads together.

"Then you should know that we are officially the owners of two cats. I heard back from the Admiral." he smiles faintly.

[bringingdowndisaster]

The gesture makes Xue Yang's breathing calm a little. Feeling like he has somewhere to belong means more than he could ever put into words.

He laughs tearfully at that. "R-Really? That's good."

[zichen]

"Mm." Zichen smooths down Xue Yang's hair, pleased at the laughter, "This is your home if you want it. With us." he emphasizes, nodding at the big boy cat snuggling sleepily with the tiny female kitten.

[bringingdowndisaster]

"Yeah. Yeah, I want to stay here," he says softly. He puts his head on Song Lan's shoulder and just lets it rest there, eyes closing. He feels exhausted, but... relieved. He can still have this. He's not being turned away, rejected, left behind...

[zichen]

"Good." Zichen sounds relieved, his lips finding the crown of Xue Yang's head and kissing his soft hair, "You died. You paid for your crimes. Now we have a chance to live a new life." one with less tragedy and pain.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang curls up on Song Lan's lap and nuzzles into his neck and shoulder. Solid, strong, safe. He feels so protected here in these arms.

"...I'm sorry. About... about your temple. Your Master," he murmurs after a moment's silence. He doesn't know if an apology is useful here, if it's something Song Lan wants, but he can't bring them back so this is the best he can do.

[zichen]

Zichen hesitates a moment before lifting Xue Yang and carrying him to their bed. He settles against the pillows with the younger man on his lap.

Tension runs through him - a reaction to the topic - but he appreciates the attempt nonetheless. Running a hand through Xue Yang's hair, he shakes his head.

"You show you've changed and that you regret it by taking care of me. And by changing how you interact with others."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang clings to Song Lan as he's carried over to the bed. He can feel the tension in his lover and he feels... guilty. Not something he's used to feeling, but it's been an increasingly common feeling since coming to the Barge. He doesn't like it.

Still, he tries to ease Song Lan's tension by gently rubbing his shoulders.

"I'm not... used to feeling bad about shit," he murmurs. There's a lot he still doesn't regret, but coming to care for Xiao Xingchen at first and then Song Lan... yeah, that's definitely made the horrible things he did to them start to weigh on him.

[zichen]

Zichen has tried so hard to keep logical about this; to hold Xue Yang at an arm's length. But then they have amazing, passionate moments and moments like this where he feels his heart swelling and breaking. How can anyone stay logical when faced with this? People have encouraged him to take a step back and put space between him and Xue Yang, but how can he?

The space would just hurt them both.

He relaxes again under the massage and he gathers Xue Yang close, watching him tenderly.

"It takes time and practice. Empathy isn't an emotion we are born with. We learn it by caring for others. Seeing them hurt is what awakens our ability to regret." he looks away shyly, "I take it you care about me?"

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang would definitely not listen to anyone who tried to tell him to stay away from Song Lan. This is the first time he's felt good since Xiao Xingchen's death, and he's not giving that up. Not when Song Lan evidently wants this too, as surprising as that is.

He buries his face in Song Lan's shoulder, hiding as he murmurs a, "...Yeah." He can't deny that any longer - it'd be pretty ridiculous to. It's still a difficult thing to admit! He still fears being hurt and having his feelings thrown back in his face - like with Xiao Xingchen.

[zichen]

There is a bond between them. It was once twisted and dark; now he sees glimmers of light and he doesn't want to let them go. In a way, it feels like they are searching for peace together. If they abandon one another, the journey will inevitably fail and they will be left in the dark.

The soft answer makes him smile and he urges Xue Yang to look at him before claiming his lips in a soft kiss.

"No one can replace my A-Yang."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang's face immediately flushes red when such sweet words accompany such a sweet kiss. He's never been spoiled with affection before, verbally or physically, and here Song Lan is - giving him both.

He slides his arms around his neck and kisses him again, a little more insistently, trying to convey the same sentiment back without having to actually say it out loud.

[zichen]

Gladly giving him both. Zichen wants to soften Xue Yang - and himself. He wants to see their best selves break free of the trauma they have endured. Then, maybe, they can help others - as he had always intended to do.

A deep groan rumbles between their lips and Zichen embraces the younger man tighter. Yes, he knows what his A-Yang is telling him. Turning, he lays Xue Yang against the bed and breaks the kiss gently.

"You were very cute as a child. The temple would have taken you in without a second glance."