zichen | IC CONTACT

[Zichen wraps his legs around Xue Yang too, holding him snugly, securely. He closes his eyes and kisses the top of his lover's head.]

That's all you need to say. [He smiles sadly.] I'm not holding a grudge. I love seeing you heal, A-Yang.

[ Xue Yang still doesn't understand how Song Lan isn't angry at him, but he's starting to accept that that's just the way it is.

He sniffles and glances up at his lover's handsome face. ]

I know you're not mad at me now, but if that ever changes... it's okay. I get it. Chances are pretty big I'll do or say something that pisses you off... [ He chuckles tearfully. ] B-But you don't have to hide your feelings from me, good or bad.

[Anger is exhausting. Zichen had his fill of it for years and Xue Yang's death hadn't given him any respite. Seeing him again on the Barge had irritated him, but then he had been curious. Could Xue Yang be redeemed? Part of him had laughed and called it impossible. But another part of him had wondered.

Now, after everything, he has put the past and his tormented feelings behind him. He has let himself get to know Xue Yang again.

Using the blanket, he dabs at Xue Yang's teary eyes.]

I'm not exactly reserved when I'm furious. You will know. [Zichen shakes his head.] Like you, I'm sad sometimes. I feel...hollow. But then the feeling goes away when we are together.

Edited 2024-01-24 12:59 (UTC)

[ Xue Yang just gravitated towards Song Lan when he'd arrived. He hadn't been able to explain it then, but now he realizes it was probably because Song Lan had been his one connection to Xiao Xingchen. As much as he had been in denial, deep down he had known even before Xiao Xingchen left the Barge that he was going to lose him for good.

There's obviously more to it now, between him and Song Lan. ]

Mm... it sucks to look back and wish you'd done things differently... knowing that... that you can't change it. [ Guilt and regret are still concepts he struggles with, but he can at least recognize that that's what he's feeling. ]

[Knowing Xingchen was alive, somehow, but still out of his reach had been difficult. Arguing with Xue Yang had been comforting and then... They had both lost him. The silly arguments had turned into something else; something real.

Now Zichen wants to hold onto what they have with all his might.]

Xue Yang, I'm right here. [He smiles faintly.] If you want to do better by me, you've been doing that, haven't you?

[ Xue Yang wants that too, more than anything.

He ducks his head, almost shyly. ]

I've been trying. [ But it's all so new to him that he doesn't quite know if he's any good at it. ]

[Zichen raises Xue Yang's head by grabbing onto his chin.]

I've been happy with you. We've build a nice life on the Barge; a life I thought impossible.

[ It's impossible not to immediately melt into that touch, so Xue Yang doesn't even try to hide his reaction.

He smiles a little and turns his head to nuzzle Song Lan's palm. ]

Mm... I really hated this place at first, but I guess it's not that bad.

[Zichen brushes their lips together once. Twice. Okay, three times. Then he smiles softly and caresses Xue Yang's cheek.]

Your cabin is cruel. How could you be comfortable in a place like that?

[ Xue Yang grins happily under those kisses, responding to each of them. ]

It wasn't so bad at first. It was kind of comforting, but... then it was just a shitty fucking reminder of how badly I fucked everything up.

[Zichen tucks Xue Yang against him after the kisses end, his chest aching.]

I couldn't leave you there. [Just seeing Xue Yang in those rooms a handful of times had been too much.] I want you to move on from...Yi City...with me.

[ Xue Yang easily curls up against Song Lan's chest, putting a hand over his heart. ]

I want to. I want to at least... try.

[He looks...so fragile. Like this. Not a terror. Not a murderer. Zichen nuzzles Xue Yang's hair.]

You're with me. You won't fail.

[ He chuckles softly and presses a kiss to Song Lan's collarbone. ]

I want to take care of you too. You deserve to be cared for...

[Zichen traces over Xue Yang's side and down to his hip.]

Aren't you caring for me? I notice everything you do, A-Yang. You've been very sweet to me.

[ Xue Yang swings a leg over Song Lan's lap, clinging a little. ]

Yeah, but I want to do more. It doesn't always have to be me having an embarrassing meltdown and crying in your arms. You can do that too, if you ever need to.

[He gently squeezes Xue Yang's thigh, welcoming the leg.]

If you noticed...when you are crying...so am I. [Zichen brushes their noses together.]

[ The cuddling really seems to settle something in his soul. There's just something very reassuring and grounding about being held and touched like this. ]

Mm... but it's still mostly just you comforting me...

You are comforting me more than you think. [He strokes over Xue Yang's chest with the back of his hand.] The way you touch me and need me... That's what I want.

[ Xue Yang nods and cuddles even closer. ]

Okay. I just want you to know that you can lean on me... if you ever need to.

A-Yang... [He is touched at the offer; it's selfless. A sign that his lover is trying to change.] I don't like being...this way. I do miss Xingchen. I don't like being alone here.

[ He really is trying. The way he'd done things before had only brought misery - for himself and others, and he wants to try doing things differently. He brushes a soft kiss against Song Lan's shoulder as he listens to him. ]

We will get out of here, and you'll be alive again. [ He murmurs softly before sighing a little. ] I miss him too. Did you only talk to him once while he was here...?

[Zichen strokes over Xue Yang's hair as he speaks, finding comfort in something tactile. His A-Yang is the only one he can touch so freely.]

I'm frightened of that too. I haven't been alive in...a long time. [He has almost forgotten what it feels like.] I spoke to him several times, but only met him once.

[ Xue Yang nods and leans into his lover's touches. ]

It's going to be fucking weird to be home, but we'll figure it out. We'll be together... that's what's important.

[ He frowns a little, not sure what to say, so he just blurts out: ] That sucks.

[Zichen's eyes widen and then he blinks. His lips quirk and he finds himself chuckling.]

I will need you. If we're together, I will adapt quickly.

[Then he softens and kisses Xue Yang.]

He...was angry at me. For not telling him how I felt sooner.

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