zichen | IC CONTACT

[Any part he can reach is stroked and caressed. He wants to keep his lover feeling good. This is theirs and it's perfect.]

I - [Oh he is so close to telling him the truth.]

[ Xue Yang snuggles closer and greedily soaks up those touches. He really hasn't ever felt this good after sex before. Or felt this good in general. A little dazed from pleasure and the fact that he's growing tired, his only response to Song Lan's cut off sentence is a simple: ]

Hm?

[Rolling them and tucking Xue Yang under him, he cups the other man's face between his hands, whispering fervently:]

I care for you. Very much. [It's not what he wanted to say, but it's close.]

[ Xue Yang blushes a little and smiles, sliding his fingers into Song Lan's hair. ]

I... like you a lot. [ He murmurs. Not quite the extent of his feelings, but it is what he feels comfortable saying right now. It's a big step for him regardless! ]

[Zichen chuckles and kisses the tip of Xue Yang's nose.]

We really have gone mad. [And he is entirely okay with it.] Or maybe we've changed. I like to think the latter, personally.

[ Xue Yang laughs softly. ]

Oh, I've been mad. [ After Xiao Xingchen's death and during his first several months in this place... ] This doesn't feel like that. Well, I can't speak for you. You might've lost it completely.

I...don't think I have, actually. [Zichen rests a hand over Xue Yang's heart.] I'm choosing this and you. You haven't hurt me - not purposefully; if anything, you have taken care of me. You're not the man you were.

[ Xue Yang ducks his head down and blushes. He's still not used to hearing such sincere sentiments, and so it continues to fluster him. ]

I really do want to get out of here with you. [ He murmurs softly as he snuggles up further on Song Lan's chest. He rests his head where Song Lan's heart is, but there is of course no beating. Another reason to want to get out of here. Once Song Lan gets his deal from the Admiral, he'll be alive and whole again.

He presses a kiss right there. ]

[He will hear more, day by day, because Zichen is opening up to him. He has hope for the first time in years.]

We can do it. [Zichen drops a kiss on the crown of Xue Yang's head.] How can I help you? I'm not your Warden and I think that's...for the best.

[They would have a little too much fun with that.]

But I am your partner.

[ Xue Yang chuckles a bit, but then Song Lan says that they're partners and his brain short-circuits for a moment. Partners... He doesn't know how to respond to that so he just leans up to kiss Song Lan. ]

You're already helping. [ He says in a soft voice, snuggling in closer. ] Being here, listening to me... You haven't... you haven't abandoned me. I wouldn't blame you if you did, but you haven't...

[The kiss feels...different. Warmer. Zichen blinks shyly when they part, brushing his fingertips along Xue Yang's jawline.]

I won't abandon you if you are honest with me. If you...don't use me or seek to imprison me. Let me choose to be here and I won't disappoint you.

[ Xue Yang nods and leans in to nudge his forehead to Song Lan's. ]

I don't want to do that anymore. I... I trust you, so as long as you don't betray me...

I have no reason to betray you. I refuse to hold a grudge against you or anyone else. [And Xue Yang has proven that he needs him...and wants him.]

Okay. I believe you. [ Xue Yang smiles a little and snuggles himself closer. It's been so long since he last dared to put his trust in someone, but he feels so safe with Song Lan... ]

[The snuggling tugs at his heart and he is struck by Xue Yang's vulnerability. Zichen tucks the other man's head under his chin.]

Don't betray me either.

[ It's crazy how safe and comforted he feels in these arms, and how different it is from those stolen moments of comfort he'd allowed himself sometimes during those long, lonely years in Yi City. When he'd sometimes use Song Lan for some sort of comfort. ]

I won't.

[Those moments in Yi City had been desperate and unhealthy. Zichen feels like they've found something healthy, but fragile, on the Barge. He is careful as he strokes over the other man's hair, his lips soft against Xue Yang's forehead.]

I believe you.

[ There's something so comforting about those simple words. Xue Yang finds his entire body relaxing fully, and he practically melts into Song Lan. It's a big thing for him to be able to trust someone, but it might be even more important to know that he's trusted back. ]

Thank you. [ He murmurs, a little choked up. ]

[Chances are given once, maybe twice. Zichen and Xue Yang blew through those numbers long ago. They have to start over or risk the same outcome. That's why Zichen is choosing to open his heart and mind to Xue Yang. He has seen enough progress and sweetness to convince him that the other man does care for him and that he does want to change.]

I'm here for you. [He hears the choked quality and hugs Xue Yang tighter.]

[ Waking up here after his death only to find a Xiao Xingchen who wanted nothing to do with him had felt like a cruel joke. Then, Song Lan had arrived and somehow made things better. Even with Xiao Xingchen out of his life for good this time, he hasn't fallen to pieces thanks to Song Lan. Somehow, they've made this work.

He wishes that he could somehow be even closer than this. Even pressed together naked like they are doesn't feel like enough. ]

You're the only one who's... who's been here for me like this. [ Xiao Xingchen doesn't count because he'd never been able to be completely honest with him back then. ]

[Zichen had invited death, tired of living as a walking corpse. Then he had been given a magnificent offer and he had taken it, desperate to live - truly live - again. Coming across Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen had, at first, felt like a cruel joke. He had been convinced nothing could improve. But then he found out Xingchen loved another and he saw Xue Yang mourn openly for him. Those tears felt like his tears too.

Something cracked in his mind and the ice between them melted. He decided then that he wanted to help Xue Yang become a better man. Somehow their way of speaking, at first, had been through actions. Through sex. But now they can talk and...enjoy one another too. It isn't perfect - it can't be - but it's the best thing Zichen has ever felt.]

When you cried...when you mourned... It felt like our hearts were the same.

[ Xue Yang had wanted to die when that spirit-trapping pouch had been taken from him, knowing there was no chance he could get it back (even though he'd tried). He hadn't wanted a second chance at life, not at first, but now... he's found reason to want to live. To want to go back home and start over with a man he's come to... care for more than he dares to admit.

He rests a hand on Song Lan's chest and gently strokes over the skin, still warm from their activities and the body heat he's sharing. ]

You're the only one who could understand it...

[Zichen lifts Xue Yang's hand to his lips and kisses his fingers. Then he rests their foreheads together and closes his eyes, clearly letting down his guard in every way. Yes, he trusts him. Yes, Xue Yang is his reason to return to their world, whole and alive and happy. He had been certain the latter emotion would never be possible.

Until now. Until he opened himself to a man he had spent years hating.]

Just as you are the only one who can understand me as I am now.

[ Song Lan being so relaxed with him makes warmth spread through his chest, heating him up from the inside. Xue Yang leans up to softly kiss him, his fingers drawing nonsense patterns on his lover's chest. ]

I wish I didn't. That I hadn't... turned you into this.

[The remorse... It's all he needs. Zichen tilts his head and kisses Xue Yang passionately for those words. They come from the heart; his A-Yang can't blind himself to the pain of others anymore.]

It will be undone when we return. Then you need to take care of me.

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