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[zichen]

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[zichen]

Oh those damn nails. Zichen has nightmares about them and the pain lingers in the back of his head. But it doesn't matter. He is free again and if he gets his wish, he won't have to inhabit a broken, near dead body anymore.

The clinging breaks through his mostly dreamless slumber and he opens his eyes. It takes him a few moments to comfort Xue Yang, stroking over his hair as if he doesn't quite know how this is done. His lips part and then promptly close again. He must still be half-asleep. Murmuring anything is beyond him.

[bringingdowndisaster]

If he was awake, Xue Yang would definitely be embarrassed about the way he's clinging to Song Lan, but in his sleep all he can register is that there's a solid, strong body in bed with him. Someone who's holding him and stroking his hair, making the nightmare go away. His breathing evens out and he cuddles up even closer to Song Lan, the expression on his face surprisingly peaceful.

[zichen]

Catching sight of Xue Yang's expression makes him feel strange. It's like his chest is aching, but not because of himself or Xingchen or even the little girl he had briefly met. He begins to wonder how long Xue Yang has been haunted by his own actions. Can someone be so broken that all they can do is cause pain?

He tucks the other man against him and cradles the back of his head.

Zichen is sure he can hold the pieces together - even if he can't mend them.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Pretty much. Comfort and kindness are things he's not used to receiving. Being treated so well by Xiao Xingchen during those years and then having it all snatched away from him because of his own actions (both past and present) has left a void inside of him. Before Xiao Xingchen he hadn't realized just how much he'd craved being treated with kindness, like a human. How much he'd craved to be trusted and liked. He hadn't realized just how exhausting anger and hate is to carry around until he had started to let go of some of it.

Not enough. It hadn't been enough.

He sleeps curled up in Song Lan's arms until later in the morning. He's surprised to find himself so entangled with the other man. That Song Lan has allowed this without pushing him away. That he actually stayed... Feeling embarrassed and awkward, he slowly peeks up at Song Lan's face.

[zichen]

Anger is exhausting. It feels like a weight that only gets heavier as the years pass. Doesn't that prove it isn't a natural, healthy emotion? Zichen has been trying to shed his rage since before he came to the Barge. Hating won't help him or anyone else and now that he has let go of some of his fury, he can see Xue Yang truthfully.

A broken man. A broken man making other broken men so he won't be so alone.

Resting his cheek against the top of the other man's head, Zichen lets himself drift into a meditation. He comes out of it slowly the moment Xue Yang tilts his head. Blinking back into consciousness, he peers down at his bed-mate and brushes cool fingers against one of Xue Yang's cheeks.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang stares up at him, a little wary, but in an almost shy way. "Didn't think you'd stay," he finally mutters, but without moving out of the strong and comforting embrace. Fuck it, as long as Song Lan is okay with this, why should he be the one to end it?

He won't admit to himself just how much comfort he's actually getting out of this. He shouldn't start having warm feelings for another man who hates him. That'd just be pathetic. (As if he isn't already that).

And he will promptly ignore the way his cheeks heat up when Song Lan strokes one.

[zichen]

Zichen hesitates and then repeats the gesture he had shown Xue Yang the night before. He touches Xue Yang's chest, right over his heart, and then he touches his own chest. Both of their hearts are broken. Why should he leave when he can have company that understands his agony?

And Xue Yang does understand. Zichen has seen that for himself - and not just once or twice. Xue Yang can rage and scream in all the ways that Zichen is denied because of his very nature.

That's okay. Zichen can comfort. He had been the one in his Master's temple who was often seen dabbing away tears from the younger children's cheeks when they fell or got into a fight. He mended the wings of fallen birds and helped a family of mice find a new home in the forest.

Right now, he treats Xue Yang like his broken friends and animals. He just doesn't know how to mend a heart. But maybe he can learn.

[bringingdowndisaster]

This is such a bizarre situation, but somehow, it almost feels natural. He had used Song Lan for comfort sometimes back in Yi City. Sometimes he'd just screamed at him, hit and kicked him, but other times he'd cried in his arms. Of course, Song Lan back then had never reacted much to anything he did. He never would've expected that he'd want to with his consciousness restored.

Yes, both their hearts are broken. Song Lan will be losing Xiao Xingchen too, won't be able to see him ever again once he leaves. He grins without humor and snorts. "We're both pretty pathetic, huh?" Both of them, in love with the same man, but at least, Song Lan probably had a chance back home. Honestly, that might even make it worse...

[zichen]

Zichen shifts just enough to grab his communicator. He keeps himself nestled against Xue Yang as he types, his forehead furrowing ever so slightly in concentration.

"Not pathetic. Injured." he pauses and almost - almost - smiles, "Tell me where. If I can heal you, I can heal myself."

Because Xue Yang is, by far, the most difficult problem he has ever encountered!

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang snorts a little and reaches up to trace some of those black veins on Song Lan's neck. "I don't think anyone can heal what we're sick with." Heartache feels incurable. He can't imagine ever getting over Xiao Xingchen. Maybe it'd be easier for Song Lan since he's not as fucked up as Xue Yang is in every other way.

[zichen]

Zichen swallows against those fingers, a shiver running down his spine. He hasn't felt much of anything since Xue Yang's spell took hold, but that? He feels that.

"Then we live." as best as they can for as long as they can and hopefully the pain becomes something manageable.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang gives a wry little grin. "I guess we don't have a choice thanks to the fucking Admiral." Noticing the way Song Lan swallows, he continues to stroke those black veins, head tilted in curiosity. "Does it hurt?"

[zichen]

Zichen shakes his head slightly, agreeing with that statement. The Admiral is quite stubborn about them carrying on instead of giving up.

His fingers are shaky as he types this time: "No. I usually can't feel anything. But I feel you."

Is that because Xue Yang is the master of the spell?

[bringingdowndisaster]

"Huh. You don't feel anything in general or just here?" Xue Yang is a little intrigued. He can't help being a weirdo about these sort of things. He also just... kind of likes touching Song Lan.

[zichen]

"In general." Zichen isn't sure how to explain that while he can perceive heat and cold - even touch - none of those sensations penetrate deeper than the surface layer of his skin. Until now. Xue Yang's touch radiates through him and he is afraid to like it.

But how can he not?

"That's why pain doesn't bother me."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Strange... but also intriguing. He keeps his touch gentle, stroking those veins and the skin around them. "I didn't know it could have that effect." But he'd never asked before either. "Does it feel good?" he asks instead. Song Lan doesn't seem uncomfortable, after all...

[zichen]

His self-control has gone to the same place as his fear of touch. Then again, Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen have been exceptions to that latter rule for some time. Zichen feels ridiculous letting himself enjoy anything, truly, much less from Xue Yang, but it does feel nice and he rests his head against the bed.

"It does." if he could blush still, his cheeks would he red. As it stands, he looks away from Xue Yang shyly.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Dangerous, dangerous territory. And yet, he can't stop himself. Xue Yang strokes Song Lan's cheek, wondering if the other man is just as starved for intimacy as he is. He almost has to be, to accept such touches from someone like him.

He chuckles a little, stroking his thumb against Song Lan's bottom lip. "This is probably a bad idea, huh?"

[zichen]

"...de...pends..." is all he is able to type before staring at Xue Yang in surprise. What is he thinking? The warm tingles erupting under the touch of his...master...should disgust him. Yet Zichen has never had intimacy. Not even with Xiao Xingchen.

Shuddering, he pulls Xue Yang back into his arms, communicator forgotten.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang had expected outright rejection, so when that doesn't come... Well, fuck it, right? When he's pulled close he clasps Song Lan's face between his hands and kisses him. Now they've stepped over a line they probably shouldn't, but Xue Yang is out of fucks to give.

[zichen]

The kiss spooks him, but not because it comes from Xue Yang. Zichen returns the pressure before realizing that the other man is bound to be disgusted with him. He has to stop that from happening...somehow.

So he pulls away and motions at his missing tongue, warning Xue Yang in the only way he knows how. His fingers are much too unsteady to type right now.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang chuckles a little. Don't worry, the guy who's brewed tea on tongues is not put off by a lack of one! "I don't care about that," he says, his voice having taken on a breathy quality. So he leans in again, kissing him more insistently.

[zichen]

That's weird, Xue Yang, and one day they need to talk about that. No more tongue tea, sir.

Zichen is shocked at the answer and once more he is kissed, warm tingles racing through his body. This is the closest he has come to feeling alive again and he finds himself trying to kiss back, a hand grabbing onto Xue Yang's hair.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Being kissed back feels so damn good. Not being rejected... that despite everything, Song Lan isn't so disgusted by him that he's put off by being kissed by him. He lets out a groan when Song Lan grabs his hair, pressing himself flush against that strong body. He slides his tongue into his mouth, and while it does feel a little strange to not have another tongue meet his, it really doesn't matter in the end. He's still enjoying himself.

[zichen]

They are two of a kind, really. Zichen sees himself as a monster, but perhaps a monster with a better grip on empathy and humanity than Xue Yang. There has to be a reason he remains like this; a reason why their souls have met again on this Barge; a reason why Xiao Xingchen is leaving them again, opening fresh wounds wider.

He just needs Xue Yang to trust him. To hold his hand in the darkness until they resurface in their world. He has spent years in his company - if they can be healthier, why should he fuss about spending a lifetime more with him?

And the kissing feels as good as the earlier touch. Better, in fact, but his breath stutters when he feels a tongue in his mouth. Ah, this... This can't be pleasing. Yet Xue Yang doesn't stop or pull back. The acceptance makes Zichen's chest ache and he doesn't want to let the other man go.