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[zichen]

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[zichen]

Zichen doesn't let go. He even rests their heads together, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. This is a pain they share and if Xue Yang blames him, it isn't half as much as Zichen blames himself.

Maybe it's better he can't speak. Instead he presses a hand over Xue Yang's heart and then presses that same hand over his heart.

They are the same. Both mourning.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Eventually, Xue Yang stops fighting back. The rage drains out of him, leaving room only for pain and grief. He slumps against Song Lan's solid form, gripping at his robes with both hands as he sobs. It's a strange feeling of having something in common with Song Lan, something no one else could understand. It's almost comforting.

[zichen]

Xue Yang is only human and when Zichen feels him sag against him, his embrace softens to a hold that is more comfortable. But he doesn't let go. The sobs break his heart and his form shakes, just a little, as he shares in the other man's grief.

They have to let Xiao Xingchen go.

Zichen rubs over Xue Yang's back, patting him now and then to remind him to breathe. Then he leads the other man through the wreckage to his bed.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang's sobs eventually turns into harsh, hiccuping breaths, but he doesn't move away from Song Lan. He just ends up burying his face into the taller man's shoulder. Song Lan is the only one who has seen him at his most pathetic and grief-struck, so somehow, it feels easier to break down like this in front of him.

He lets Song Lan lead him to the bed, head lowered and with tears still running down his cheeks.

[zichen]

Zichen is gentle as he urges Xue Yang to sit on the bed. Then he kneels down and uses a handkerchief to wipe - equally gently - at Xue Yang's tear-stained face. This might not seem like progress or anything good to Xue Yang, but Zichen knows better.

Growth usually hurts. When a heart begins to feel, it's worse than being stabbed.

Gathering his communicator, he finally uses it to speak:

"Are you hurt?"

[bringingdowndisaster]

It definitely doesn't feel like anything good. His chest and head hurts, and he's starting to feel cold and numb inside. He doesn't quite understand why Song Lan is so gentle with him, but he accepts it without question.

He shakes his head, but there are some bruises on his knuckles. He doesn't feel any pain from it though.

[zichen]

The bruises are found and Zichen reaches into his pouch, pulling out a medicated salve. He rubs it into those abused knuckles, frowning sadly. He wishes he had salve for a broken heart, but no such herbs exist.

"Do you want company?" he doesn't mind staying. Sleep isn't necessary for him and if his presence gives Xue Yang something else to focus on, that's fine.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang feels something squeeze in his chest when Song Lan treats his bruised knuckles. Kindness is still difficult for him to handle, especially now that it's coming from someone who has every reason to hate him.

He should tell Song Lan to leave, but the word that comes out of his mouth is, "Stay." He feels exhausted.

[zichen]

Zichen nods and retrieves a glass of water for Xue Yang. Crying is dehydrating and muscles especially don't like being dehydrated. Then he makes himself comfortable beside the bed, setting Fuxue across his lap.

"Rest. Don't think anymore."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang is half-tempted to ask Song Lan to hold him when he rests, but that's... that's stupid. So he just nods and kicks his shoes off before curling up on the bed. He lays on his side, facing Song Lan, and tries to let the exhaustion take over.

[zichen]

Strange, the thought crosses his mind too. He watches Xue Yang for signs of distress, deciding that if the man can't drift off to sleep, he will...help.

It wouldn't be the first time. Xue Yang had called for him to comfort him now and then in Yi City too. The only difference now is Song Zichen has the free will to say no.

[bringingdowndisaster]

It is difficult to fall asleep despite his exhaustion. Xue Yang tries, but he ends up mostly tossing and turning, unable to think about anything else but how he's going to lose Xiao Xingchen again. He turns his back to Song Lan and puts a hand to his face, trying to hold back a raspy sob. Fuck this whole situation so much.

[zichen]

The sob alerts him and he knows... He knows what needs to be done. Taking off his boots and setting Fuxue within easy reach, he climbs onto the bed behind Xue Yang. Then he shyly slips an arm around his middle.

He can't offer warmth, but he is solid. He is real.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang lets out a surprised little sound when he hears Song Lan move into bed with him, and the surprise just increases when he feels strong arms wrap around him. For some fucking reason, his cheeks burn red, but he still curls back against the other man. He sinks deeper into his arms, just letting himself be held.

[zichen]

Tonight isn't about sense or revenge. It's about grieving. Zichen presses his face against Xue Yang's neck and closes his eyes tightly against the burn of more tears.

Xue Yang is warm and that heat sinks into him, reminding him that he is alive. His purpose isn't finished and tomorrow will come.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang exhales shakily. He's certainly not been spoiled with any kind of affection, and this feels... nice. He lets the tears flow until he's finally able to relax and drift off to sleep, feeling oddly safe in Song Lan's arms.

[zichen]

It is nice. Nicer than it should be. But Zichen isn't a fool. He remembers bonding with Xue Yang, bit by bit, while he was under the other man's control. As much as he hated him and wanted to kill him, he also understood him and oftentimes when Xue Yang cried for Xiao Xingchen, Zichen cried too.

He actually rests, holding onto Xue Yang, trusting Fuxue to alert him to any real danger.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Their relationship is complicated. They'd spent longer in each other's company than either of them had with Xiao Xingchen, even if Song Lan had been a mind-controlled corpse puppet for that whole time. Though, there had been times when Xue Yang had loosened one of those nails, mostly out of curiosity. Maybe that's part of why Song Lan retained his memories and was able to turn back to normal so quickly after.

Xue Yang's sleep is mostly peaceful, though at some point in the early morning he is disturbed by a bad dream that has him turning in Song Lan's arms to hide his face in his chest, clinging to his robes like a scared child.

[zichen]

Oh those damn nails. Zichen has nightmares about them and the pain lingers in the back of his head. But it doesn't matter. He is free again and if he gets his wish, he won't have to inhabit a broken, near dead body anymore.

The clinging breaks through his mostly dreamless slumber and he opens his eyes. It takes him a few moments to comfort Xue Yang, stroking over his hair as if he doesn't quite know how this is done. His lips part and then promptly close again. He must still be half-asleep. Murmuring anything is beyond him.

[bringingdowndisaster]

If he was awake, Xue Yang would definitely be embarrassed about the way he's clinging to Song Lan, but in his sleep all he can register is that there's a solid, strong body in bed with him. Someone who's holding him and stroking his hair, making the nightmare go away. His breathing evens out and he cuddles up even closer to Song Lan, the expression on his face surprisingly peaceful.

[zichen]

Catching sight of Xue Yang's expression makes him feel strange. It's like his chest is aching, but not because of himself or Xingchen or even the little girl he had briefly met. He begins to wonder how long Xue Yang has been haunted by his own actions. Can someone be so broken that all they can do is cause pain?

He tucks the other man against him and cradles the back of his head.

Zichen is sure he can hold the pieces together - even if he can't mend them.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Pretty much. Comfort and kindness are things he's not used to receiving. Being treated so well by Xiao Xingchen during those years and then having it all snatched away from him because of his own actions (both past and present) has left a void inside of him. Before Xiao Xingchen he hadn't realized just how much he'd craved being treated with kindness, like a human. How much he'd craved to be trusted and liked. He hadn't realized just how exhausting anger and hate is to carry around until he had started to let go of some of it.

Not enough. It hadn't been enough.

He sleeps curled up in Song Lan's arms until later in the morning. He's surprised to find himself so entangled with the other man. That Song Lan has allowed this without pushing him away. That he actually stayed... Feeling embarrassed and awkward, he slowly peeks up at Song Lan's face.

[zichen]

Anger is exhausting. It feels like a weight that only gets heavier as the years pass. Doesn't that prove it isn't a natural, healthy emotion? Zichen has been trying to shed his rage since before he came to the Barge. Hating won't help him or anyone else and now that he has let go of some of his fury, he can see Xue Yang truthfully.

A broken man. A broken man making other broken men so he won't be so alone.

Resting his cheek against the top of the other man's head, Zichen lets himself drift into a meditation. He comes out of it slowly the moment Xue Yang tilts his head. Blinking back into consciousness, he peers down at his bed-mate and brushes cool fingers against one of Xue Yang's cheeks.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang stares up at him, a little wary, but in an almost shy way. "Didn't think you'd stay," he finally mutters, but without moving out of the strong and comforting embrace. Fuck it, as long as Song Lan is okay with this, why should he be the one to end it?

He won't admit to himself just how much comfort he's actually getting out of this. He shouldn't start having warm feelings for another man who hates him. That'd just be pathetic. (As if he isn't already that).

And he will promptly ignore the way his cheeks heat up when Song Lan strokes one.

[zichen]

Zichen hesitates and then repeats the gesture he had shown Xue Yang the night before. He touches Xue Yang's chest, right over his heart, and then he touches his own chest. Both of their hearts are broken. Why should he leave when he can have company that understands his agony?

And Xue Yang does understand. Zichen has seen that for himself - and not just once or twice. Xue Yang can rage and scream in all the ways that Zichen is denied because of his very nature.

That's okay. Zichen can comfort. He had been the one in his Master's temple who was often seen dabbing away tears from the younger children's cheeks when they fell or got into a fight. He mended the wings of fallen birds and helped a family of mice find a new home in the forest.

Right now, he treats Xue Yang like his broken friends and animals. He just doesn't know how to mend a heart. But maybe he can learn.