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[zichen]

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After finding out about Xiao Xingchen's graduation

[bringingdowndisaster]

After getting out some of his grief over the whole situation, anger had taken its place. It's just not fair. He's finally got Xiao Xingchen back, and now he's going to lose him again! And this time he won't even have anything left of him. No body in a coffin, no spirit-trapping pouch tucked in his robes. He doesn't even have Xiao Xingchen's sword anymore.

Despite it all, he still doesn't want to hurt Xiao Xingchen, so his rage switches targets. Song Lan is here too, and he's the one to blame for Xiao Xingchen finding out his identity back in Yi City. If he had just stayed away...! The problem is that Xue Yang doesn't know where Song Lan is staying, but the other man has been insisting on visiting him semi-frequently so maybe all he has to do is wait...

He's too angry to sit still though, and ends up throwing and kicking things in his cabin.

Baby boy.

[zichen]

The sound alerts him to a problem and it doesn't take much for him to guess the cause. By now, word has spread of Xiao Xingchen's graduation and Zichen is sad yet...hopeful. For the sake of Xingchen. As easy as it would be for him to be selfish, he knows he can't. The other man deserves better.

Xue Yang isn't as selfless, it seems, and Zichen sighs a little. Without waiting for an answer, he lets himself in - Xue Yang can thank himself for Zichen's ridiculous strength. How could a door ever compete?

He stands in the doorway and watches for a moment before striding inside and grabbing Xue Yang's shoulder. His grip is tight, but not painfully so.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang doesn't even realize he's not alone in his cabin anymore, too caught up in destroying everything in sight. So when someone grabs him by the shoulder he snarls and spins around to find the man he'd really like to punch.

His eyes are red-rimmed from crying, and still a little wet like he's going to start again anytime. He pounds a fist into Song Lan's chest, a sound like a wounded animal escaping him. "Fuck you!" he rasps out.

[zichen]

Goodness. Zichen allows the tantrum for a minute before he grabs Xue Yang and purposefully traps him in an embrace. It will never be pleasant - not how they are now (and with Zichen's breath containing that tell-tale rattle of death) - but this keeps the gremlin still. He isn't even judging Xue Yang for crying! He has done it enough for a few weeks now to know it can be a release.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang continues to pound his fists against Song Lan's chest, cursing him, until he's stopped by the forced embrace. He squirms in those strong arms, too strong for him to free himself, raging as he tries to free himself.

"Fuck you, Song Lan! Fuck you, let me go, let me go!" he shouts, voice cracking as tears well up in his eyes again. "This is all your fault!"

[zichen]

Zichen doesn't let go. He even rests their heads together, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. This is a pain they share and if Xue Yang blames him, it isn't half as much as Zichen blames himself.

Maybe it's better he can't speak. Instead he presses a hand over Xue Yang's heart and then presses that same hand over his heart.

They are the same. Both mourning.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Eventually, Xue Yang stops fighting back. The rage drains out of him, leaving room only for pain and grief. He slumps against Song Lan's solid form, gripping at his robes with both hands as he sobs. It's a strange feeling of having something in common with Song Lan, something no one else could understand. It's almost comforting.

[zichen]

Xue Yang is only human and when Zichen feels him sag against him, his embrace softens to a hold that is more comfortable. But he doesn't let go. The sobs break his heart and his form shakes, just a little, as he shares in the other man's grief.

They have to let Xiao Xingchen go.

Zichen rubs over Xue Yang's back, patting him now and then to remind him to breathe. Then he leads the other man through the wreckage to his bed.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang's sobs eventually turns into harsh, hiccuping breaths, but he doesn't move away from Song Lan. He just ends up burying his face into the taller man's shoulder. Song Lan is the only one who has seen him at his most pathetic and grief-struck, so somehow, it feels easier to break down like this in front of him.

He lets Song Lan lead him to the bed, head lowered and with tears still running down his cheeks.

[zichen]

Zichen is gentle as he urges Xue Yang to sit on the bed. Then he kneels down and uses a handkerchief to wipe - equally gently - at Xue Yang's tear-stained face. This might not seem like progress or anything good to Xue Yang, but Zichen knows better.

Growth usually hurts. When a heart begins to feel, it's worse than being stabbed.

Gathering his communicator, he finally uses it to speak:

"Are you hurt?"

[bringingdowndisaster]

It definitely doesn't feel like anything good. His chest and head hurts, and he's starting to feel cold and numb inside. He doesn't quite understand why Song Lan is so gentle with him, but he accepts it without question.

He shakes his head, but there are some bruises on his knuckles. He doesn't feel any pain from it though.

[zichen]

The bruises are found and Zichen reaches into his pouch, pulling out a medicated salve. He rubs it into those abused knuckles, frowning sadly. He wishes he had salve for a broken heart, but no such herbs exist.

"Do you want company?" he doesn't mind staying. Sleep isn't necessary for him and if his presence gives Xue Yang something else to focus on, that's fine.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang feels something squeeze in his chest when Song Lan treats his bruised knuckles. Kindness is still difficult for him to handle, especially now that it's coming from someone who has every reason to hate him.

He should tell Song Lan to leave, but the word that comes out of his mouth is, "Stay." He feels exhausted.

[zichen]

Zichen nods and retrieves a glass of water for Xue Yang. Crying is dehydrating and muscles especially don't like being dehydrated. Then he makes himself comfortable beside the bed, setting Fuxue across his lap.

"Rest. Don't think anymore."

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang is half-tempted to ask Song Lan to hold him when he rests, but that's... that's stupid. So he just nods and kicks his shoes off before curling up on the bed. He lays on his side, facing Song Lan, and tries to let the exhaustion take over.

[zichen]

Strange, the thought crosses his mind too. He watches Xue Yang for signs of distress, deciding that if the man can't drift off to sleep, he will...help.

It wouldn't be the first time. Xue Yang had called for him to comfort him now and then in Yi City too. The only difference now is Song Zichen has the free will to say no.

[bringingdowndisaster]

It is difficult to fall asleep despite his exhaustion. Xue Yang tries, but he ends up mostly tossing and turning, unable to think about anything else but how he's going to lose Xiao Xingchen again. He turns his back to Song Lan and puts a hand to his face, trying to hold back a raspy sob. Fuck this whole situation so much.

[zichen]

The sob alerts him and he knows... He knows what needs to be done. Taking off his boots and setting Fuxue within easy reach, he climbs onto the bed behind Xue Yang. Then he shyly slips an arm around his middle.

He can't offer warmth, but he is solid. He is real.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang lets out a surprised little sound when he hears Song Lan move into bed with him, and the surprise just increases when he feels strong arms wrap around him. For some fucking reason, his cheeks burn red, but he still curls back against the other man. He sinks deeper into his arms, just letting himself be held.

[zichen]

Tonight isn't about sense or revenge. It's about grieving. Zichen presses his face against Xue Yang's neck and closes his eyes tightly against the burn of more tears.

Xue Yang is warm and that heat sinks into him, reminding him that he is alive. His purpose isn't finished and tomorrow will come.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Xue Yang exhales shakily. He's certainly not been spoiled with any kind of affection, and this feels... nice. He lets the tears flow until he's finally able to relax and drift off to sleep, feeling oddly safe in Song Lan's arms.

[zichen]

It is nice. Nicer than it should be. But Zichen isn't a fool. He remembers bonding with Xue Yang, bit by bit, while he was under the other man's control. As much as he hated him and wanted to kill him, he also understood him and oftentimes when Xue Yang cried for Xiao Xingchen, Zichen cried too.

He actually rests, holding onto Xue Yang, trusting Fuxue to alert him to any real danger.

[bringingdowndisaster]

Their relationship is complicated. They'd spent longer in each other's company than either of them had with Xiao Xingchen, even if Song Lan had been a mind-controlled corpse puppet for that whole time. Though, there had been times when Xue Yang had loosened one of those nails, mostly out of curiosity. Maybe that's part of why Song Lan retained his memories and was able to turn back to normal so quickly after.

Xue Yang's sleep is mostly peaceful, though at some point in the early morning he is disturbed by a bad dream that has him turning in Song Lan's arms to hide his face in his chest, clinging to his robes like a scared child.

[zichen]

Oh those damn nails. Zichen has nightmares about them and the pain lingers in the back of his head. But it doesn't matter. He is free again and if he gets his wish, he won't have to inhabit a broken, near dead body anymore.

The clinging breaks through his mostly dreamless slumber and he opens his eyes. It takes him a few moments to comfort Xue Yang, stroking over his hair as if he doesn't quite know how this is done. His lips part and then promptly close again. He must still be half-asleep. Murmuring anything is beyond him.

[bringingdowndisaster]

If he was awake, Xue Yang would definitely be embarrassed about the way he's clinging to Song Lan, but in his sleep all he can register is that there's a solid, strong body in bed with him. Someone who's holding him and stroking his hair, making the nightmare go away. His breathing evens out and he cuddles up even closer to Song Lan, the expression on his face surprisingly peaceful.